She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
