there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
