um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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