someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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