I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
