They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
