the condom got lost in my hair
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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