I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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