My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
