Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
