um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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