after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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