drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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