why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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