i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You are a genius and a whore.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
