mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
