I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
