ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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