If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
