just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
