The brown eye won't let me do that either.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
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