my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
It's shark week go big or go home
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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