Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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