I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
