First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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