its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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