the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
