I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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