Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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