Swine flu. Run for my life!
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
