This is not my ceiling
Can Purell be used as lube?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Randomize
