yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
