please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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