The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
