true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
