no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
