do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I would ride that face into the sunset
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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