I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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