dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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