Betty ford says i'm here all night
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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