Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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