I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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