This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
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