How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
