if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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