My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
