the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
