Fine. I'll sleep in my office
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
