rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
