Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
