Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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