You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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