Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
