cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
