I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
