we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I wish you could order shots online.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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