nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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